Chris Brauer Media Project [BLOG]

While the rest of the world focuses attention on the bubbling cauldron in the middle east, Gates, Bono, Clinton and Blair pledge 2005, the year of Africa, enlightened worried Canadians have turned their attention to a much more pressing homeland security issue -- the Greenland Conspiracy.

Now to be fair, like all great conspiracy theories, I am not aware of anyone else on the planet with the insight to have identified this particular subterfuge. So let's get started, before it's too late and we're all assimilated into working for small shipyards and saluting Hans Enoksen, the great leader.

OK. It obviously all starts with that strange textbook fact from our primary school years that Greenland is icey (0% arable land) and Iceland is green. But there's more of course, if that's not enough.

While many have pointed the finger at the Danish in the territorial dispute with Canada over little Hans Island, a small rocky outcropping near the northernmost tip of western Greenland, it can be suggested that the Danish are acting at the behest of the Greenlandians, and not the other way around.

Let's put Greenland under the magnifying glass. Not that we need to when speaking of the world's largest island, three times the size of Texas, already suspicious because everyone knows nothing is bigger than Texas. And yet it is also suspiciously shrinking with developments in cartography, hiding from the world's glare. A finger has long been pointed at the unfairness of Greenland looking the the same size as China, and larger than Africa or South America. Now if we look at more recent projections like Peters or Winkel Tripel Greenland seems to be sinking into the sea or at least vanishing into the great white north.

Hmmm. All very interesting and suspicious. And with rumors swirling that hunters from Greenland were making their way across the frozen baring strait to illegally hunt Canadian polar bears, our strongest northern perimeter defense, the Canadian government finally decided to do something about it and launched a major military initiative, Operation Narwhal, that mainly consisted of us setting our helicopters on fire on our boats and losing ground troops overnight in icey caves, possibly kidnapped by evil Greenlandian polar bears, who everyone knows wear patches over one eye.

So all in all it reeks of conspiracy. And it hits home on a very personal note in our household where my girlfriend and I were thinking of picking ourselves up a little bit of retirement paradise with a chunk of Hans Island after reading a Dept of Fisheries and Oceans report that described it as "sandy in colour with a 150-foot cliff on one end". With global warming and the climate, described as "cool in summers, cold in winter" bound to heat up, we could be sitting on a beach-colored cliff-diving oasis. Alas, we are obviously not the only ones with such designs ... Damn you Hans Enoksen! ... Send more polar bears to the perimeter. This thing isn't over. Not by a long shot.

Labels: canada, funny